FROM THE DESK OF DR. MALEVOLENCE

Comrades,

October is the month of coats, conspiracies, and exquisitely timed inconveniences. While the city scrambles for warm socks, we refine our strategies—quietly, efficiently, and with a frighteningly good filing system. This week produced a modest triumph, several avian complications, and one prototype that now prefers being sold in vending machines. Progress, by the calendar.

Operate with intention. Fail with flair.

In deliberate menace,

Dr. Malevolence

Supreme Executive of All Things Slightly Out of Reach

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Order is a secret muscle. Train it.”

— Notation found in the margin of a requisition ledger

SPONSORED MESSAGE This week’s newsletter is brought to you by DoomCo™ Glovebox™ — the deployable containment cube that politely refuses inspection. Available in obsidian, serious grey, and ‘we did not ask.’ DoomCo™: When in doubt, pack it and forget it.

VILLAIN OF THE WEEK: DR. PENUMBRA VALE

This week’s distinction goes to Dr. Penumbra Vale, whose photonic deception studies have produced shadows with decidedly independent agendas. After rerouting three commuter lines by projecting convincing tunnel illusions, she quipped: “People believe what darkness convinces them of.” We believe she’s correct, and mildly unnerving.

Favorite aphorism: “A good shadow never asks permission.”

CALL TO COHORTS

Open positions:

Avian Logistics Specialist (Level III Menace Clearance)

Portal Retrieval Technician (must be comfortable with vending machines)

Mirror Liaison (day/night shifts; reflections a plus)

Apply to Personnel Disillusionment Services, Sub-Level Theta. Cover letters will be accepted in triplicate.

TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

Operation Crystal Thread: Success (Mostly)

Division S reported flawless infiltration using the nanowoven suits—excellent stealth, impeccable data retrieval, and only moderate emotional entanglement when two agents experienced adhesive-induced cling. Post-mission note: static is a tactical feature, not a morale issue.

The Nightfall Canary Debacle

Acoustic drones achieved near-perfect mimicry of local birdlife—so perfect, in fact, that an entire migratory flock RSVP’d to Syndicate HQ and then redecorated our glass facades. Broken windows: 38. Server room: damp. Public explanation: “experimental aviary program.” Merch sales from the ensuing conspiracy theory balloon have funded one (1) new server rack.

Project Cold Muse: In Progress

Early trials of the mood-siphoning apparatus show promising extraction rates. Unintended consequence: subjects became inexplicably lyrical. Containment updated: poetry allowed only with hazard goggles.

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TRAINING & DEVELOPMENT PLAN

This week’s curriculum:

Monday: Nanoweave Care & Static Management (Suit Maintenance 101)

Tuesday: Avian Countermeasures: How Not to Be Followed Home by a Flock

Wednesday: Poetic Interrogation: Extracting Information Without Inspiring Sonnets

Thursday: Vending Machine Recovery Protocols (for when portals look like energy drinks)

Friday: Contingency for When the Canary Sings Back

Completion of three modules grants one extra hour of unobstructed rooftop access.

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Cafeteria Specials

October Mid-Month Menu: Tactical Comfort Edition

Pumpkin-infused stew (sourced ethically from disoriented gourds)

Black cod in midnight reduction (may emit a dull glow)

Root-roast medley with ambiguous herbs

Friday’s entrée: Chicken, carved with professional detachment

All dishes certified Non-Traceable by Culinary Division. Please do not interrogate the meat..

LAB UPDATES

Lab 6: The pocket-portal prototype has been retrieved from a vending machine; it no longer accepts payment, but dispenses minor existential dread. Engineers request that vending machines be labeled: Do not swallow anomalies.

Lab 8: The subsonic calming ray reduces violent outbursts—but produces sudden urges to bake. Staff recommends issuing aprons with hazard ratings.

Lab 9: The mirror inventory remains incomplete. One mirror is unaccounted for; if your reflection greets you first, notify Security immediately.

Facilities: The Sentient Moss Wall in the west corridor has resumed unsolicited life coaching. Do not follow its advice before lunch.

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UPCOMING SCHEMES

Operation Quiet Encore — Scheduled for next week. Aim: discord dressed as a encore. Bring disguises and layered excuses.

Project Nightfall Canary: Operation Birdbath — Window repair and avian extraction; rubber boots recommended.

Project Cold Muse (Phase II) — Tighter containment protocols and re-training for poetic tendencies.

WEEKLY WRY WIT

“One person’s acoustic surveillance is another person’s weekend birdwatching event.”

— Marginalia on Drone Deployment Form #12, unsigned

CLOSING REMARKS FROM DR. MALEVOLENCE

Let others make a spectacle of themselves. We prefer the quieter arts: precise sabotage, considerate subterfuge, and paperwork that looks suspicious only in retrospect. Keep your records tidy, your alibis plausible, and your portals behind vending machines where they belong.

Until next week, and may your failures be instructive and your successes untraceable,

— Dr. Malevolence

WORLD DOMINATION WEEKLY

Internal Distribution Only — Unauthorized reproduction will be… discouraged. This edition will self destruct in one week.

We use anonymized infrastructure, VPNs, or compromised devices abroad.

Made with PROPRIETARY PREDICTIVE ALGORITHM™

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