FROM THE DESK OF DR. MALEVOLENCE

Associates, Let us dispense with sentiment: the week ahead is not for the faint of heart or the under-cleared. Results are expected. Failures will be composted—figuratively, unless Labs 6 and 14 prove successful.

Your punctuality is noted. Your ambition is tolerated. Your mistakes are being monitored.

Warmest regards,

Dr. Malevolence

Chief Architect of the Acceptable Collapse

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“The only thing harder than conquering the world is filling out the paperwork to prove it.”

— Dr. Malevolence, during last week’s Compliance Symposium

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SPONSORED MESSAGE

This issue is brought to you by:

THE BLACK RIBBON ARCHIVE™

Archival-quality documents of things that never happened, printed on silence-pressed vellum and sealed in bone resin.

Because some stories shouldn’t stay untold—they should be expertly fabricated.

Now available in limited editions: Rewritten Treaties, Phantom Testimonies, and False Manifestos.

VILLAIN OF THE WEEK: THE PALIMPSEST

This week we welcome The Palimpsest, master of redacted history and elegant forgery. Following her casual insertion of thirty-seven false entries into the British Museum’s archives—and subsequent press conference in Latin—her work has been declared “authentic until disproven” by at least six governments.

Her signature cloak is made of shredded court transcripts. Her presence: hotly contested.

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CALL TO COHORTS

Applications now open for:

Deputy Archivist (Holographic Record Division)

Trap Trigger Auditor (Mechanisms, Analog Only)

Curtain Operative, Third Rank (Stage-Based Deceptions Only)

Those with a background in amateur cartography, cryptobotany, or shadow puppetry encouraged to apply. Fluency in “none of your business” is preferred.

TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

Operation Stonewake: Unearthed and Unwelcome The excavation of Vault Site Theta proceeded as scheduled until Unit #206 accidentally activated the Sentient Floor protocol. While the vault itself was successfully acquired (minus two personnel and one shoe), its interior appears to have overwritten all team memories from 1986–1993. For some, a blessing.

Propaganda Flyer Drop Misrouted

Instead of saturating downtown Belgrade with subliminal recruitment material, our tactical zeppelins delivered 60,000 fliers across a nudist colony in the Alps. Publicity remains high. Target demographics: low.

Unscheduled Success: Unlicensed Bystander Recruitment

Three civilians mistakenly wandered into Outer Compound 2 and—faced with bureaucratic signage, flickering sodium lights, and the aroma of burnt rhubarb—voluntarily applied for Field Henchment. Welcome Operatives #730, #731, and #732. Paperwork pending.

TRAINING & DEVELOPMENT PLAN

Mandatory Instruction: July 14–18

Monday: Silhouettes of Suspicion – Mastering Intimidation via Shadowplay Instructor: Count Umbra (Shroud Division, Eastern Quadrant)

Tuesday: Exits You Didn’t Enter Through – Nonlinear Escape Strategies Instructor: Miss Maze (Topologist, Licensed Vanisher)

Wednesday: Voice Modulation for Threat & Elegance Instructor: Baron Reso (Command Voice™ Coach, Former Opera Saboteur)

Thursday: Unarmed Defense Against Hope Instructor: Grackel the Stern (Retired Philosopher-Warrior, Division B)

Friday: Apology Reversal Drills

Instructor: Dr. Vellum (Reputation Management, Department of Misdirection)

All personnel must attend at least three sessions unless medically classified as “Fogged.”

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CAFETERIA SPECIALS

Next Week’s Rotating Selections:

Monday: Steamed Pale Fowl with Slurry Reduction

Tuesday: Nothing visible (served in blackout bowls)

Wednesday: Redacted Stew (ingredients classified until digestion)

Thursday: Roast Root Medley with Ash Butter

Friday: Simmered Duplicate (first-come, first-identical-served)

Decaf options now labeled in reverse. If uncertain, ask someone who’s already twitching.

LAB UPDATES

Lab 4 successfully engineered a fluid that dries upward. Side applications include vertical laundering and anti-pursuit goo. Keep stored upside-down.

Lab 6 remains sealed since the “probability reversal” incident. Anyone hearing music from within is reminded: it is not for you.

Lab 10’s Mind-Melding Goggles now come with a toggle. Do not forget the toggle.

Lab 14 has developed a scentless smoke. Its purpose remains unclear, but it was hard to photograph.

Reminder: no food, drink, or philosophical quandaries beyond the red line in Lab 4.

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UPCOMING SCHEMES

Operation Mirage Tollgate begins Sunday. Use Lenses Model VX-22 for partial visibility. Please don’t engage with the decoys—they’re rehearsing.

The Rhetorical Seizure of Parliament (audio-only version) will be tested midweek. Noise-canceling helmets will be provided to allies.

Classified Urban Displacement Routine #Z24 is now live in select cities. Watch for anomalous roundabouts.

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WRY WIT OF THE WEEK

“Never interrupt your enemy while they’re explaining your plan better than you did.”

— Seen carved into a chair in the debriefing chamber (origin unknown)

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CLOSING REMARKS FROM DR. MALEVOLENCE

If success this week eludes you, do not fret—failure, after all, is a form of data.

Remain alert. Remain stylish. And above all, do not attempt to microwave your ID badge again.

Until next week,

Dr. Malevolence

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WORLD DOMINATION WEEKLY

Your source for internal news, external manipulation, and refrigerated ambition.

Internal Distribution Only — Unauthorized reproduction will be… discouraged. This edition will self destruct in one week