FROM THE DESK OF DR. MALEVOLENCE

Colleagues,

The difference between a fiasco and a masterstroke is paperwork. This week we produced a blizzard of it—most of it fabricated, all of it persuasive. Our enemies are presently busy calculating the square root of a banquet that never occurred. Keep them occupied.

Do hydrate. Do not commiserate. And if a chair looks too inviting, assume it has an agenda.

— Dr. Malevolence

Presiding Architect of Discord & Newsletter Editor-in-Chief

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“A scheme is a promise to yourself that you refuse to share with reality.”

— Dr. Malevolence, postmortem on a perfectly good plan

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SPONSORED MESSAGE

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VILLAIN OF THE WEEK: IRON MATRIARCH

No illusions, no shadows—just implacable force. Iron Matriarch commands a modular exosuit forged from reclaimed naval plating; her hydraulic bracers can shear bollards, and her magnetic anchors have pinned entire riot lines in place. She supervised the Banquet Mirage barricade ballet with a ticking metronome and zero patience. Polished boots, sharper standards.

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CALL TO COHORTS

Open roles:

• Dockside Cue Caller (must count to eight under duress)

• Metronome Custodian (familiarity with 5/4 a plus)

• Compliment Grenade Safety Officer (thick skin mandatory)

• Administrative Fog Tester (former bureaucrats prioritized)

Apply through the usual unmarked door behind the marked door.

TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

Success: Codename Banquet Mirage — Executed, Confounding, Profitable

As previewed last week, the multilayer decoy gala unfolded across three “venues,” none of which existed. Targets arrived at staggered times to find valet stands with no roads, table settings with no tables, and name cards with incorrect honorifics. In the confusion, our procurement teams retrieved two shipping containers of contraband silverware and one very anxious duke. Revenues from resale have funded three new safe houses and a tasteful fountain.

Failure: Harlequin Quay Staging Drill

The advance troupe for Project Harlequin Quay rehearsed dockside misdirection using color-coded signal flags. Unfortunately, a maritime history society nearby applauded enthusiastically and joined in, scrambling our cues. The rehearsal is marked incomplete; the society has been recruited as “civic volunteers.” Uniforms pending.

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TRAINING & DEVELOPMENT PLAN

Week of August 25–29, 2025

Monday: Plausible Deniability for the Overly Memorable

Instructor: Madame Palinode (Narrative Revisions Bureau)

Tuesday: Rapid Infrastructure Sabotage with Office Supplies

Instructor: Foreman Clip (Ad Hoc Demolitions)

Wednesday: Command Presence Without Shouting

Instructor: Marshal Gravitas (Posture & Authority Unit)

Thursday: Counter-Pursuit via Civic Etiquette

Instructor: Sir Etiolo (Politesse Weaponization Dept.)

Friday: Crisis Costume Changes Under 20 Seconds

Instructor: Seamster Knell (Covert Tailoring Corps)

Attendance recorded by silent rollcall. Being “fashionably late” will be graded.

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CAFETERIA SPECIALS (Aug 25–29)

Monday: Coal-Roasted Root Stack with Bitter Herb Drizzle

Tuesday: Seared River Fillets, Paper-Thin Citrus, Unsolicited Capers

Wednesday: Black Grain Porridge with Charred Leek Relish

Thursday: Braised Brassica & Salted Seed Crunch

Friday: “Harbor Pie” — contents rotate every slice; chew thoughtfully

House rule: no condiment requests beginning with “experimental.”

LAB UPDATES

Lab 4 completed the Etiquette Jammer, a low-field emitter that causes bystanders to forget which fork to use and whom to greet first. Surprisingly effective in boardrooms.

Lab 10’s Concertina Cannon patch now limits temporal side effects to ±12 minutes. Field deployment resumes with protective wristwatches.

Lab 12 refined the Compliment Grenade to exclude traumatic childhood memories. HR sends guarded thanks.

Lab 18 reports the Elastic Reality Net now releases subjects with a coupon for tea. Do not honor these coupons.

Lab 20 began trials of Administrative Fog, a vapor that compels targets to fill forms incorrectly. Immensely promising; mildly addictive to auditors.

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UPCOMING SCHEMES

Project Harlequin Quay — Full execution slated for Wednesday. Revised flag lexicon issued; maritime society to perform as “historical interpreters.”

Operation Paper Crown — Wardrobe tests Monday; volunteers with dignified posture report to Fittings.

The Soft Ledger Sweep — Overnight document exchange this weekend; bring duplicate pens and a firm handshake you do not intend.

WRY WIT OF THE WEEK

“It isn’t a trap if they walk into it smiling. It’s hospitality.”

— Note found taped to the cloakroom mirror

CLOSING REMARKS FROM DR. MALEVOLENCE

If you must improvise, do so in unison. If you must retreat, do so with choreography. And if anyone asks for permission, remember: we don’t do requests.

Proceed.

— Dr. Malevolence

Editor-in-Chief, Engineer of Awkward Timings, Keeper of the Brass Keys

WORLD DOMINATION WEEKLY

Your source for internal news, external manipulation, and refrigerated ambition.

Internal Distribution Only — Unauthorized reproduction will be… discouraged. This edition will self destruct in one week