FROM THE DESK OF DR. MALEVOLENCE

The calendar has turned, the ink has dried, and the world has congratulated itself for surviving another arbitrary boundary. This affords us a brief advantage: expectations are low, attention is scattered, and resolutions are fragile. We will be polite enough to exploit that.

This week marks the live initiation of Operation Stillwater Crown, a study in surface calm and underlying pressure. Remember: stillness is not peace. It is tension behaving itself.

Welcome back to work.

— Dr. Malevolence

Presiding Architect of Discord & Newsletter Editor-in-Chief

SPONSORED MESSAGE

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VILLAIN OF THE WEEK: ADMIRAL PELAGRA

Admiral Pelagra commands hydrodynamic dominance through mass displacement rigs and sub-surface stabilizers capable of arresting currents mid-flow. She does not flood cities or summon storms; instead, she halts water where it should move and accelerates it where it should not.

During Stillwater Crown, Pelagra oversaw the modulation arrays, ensuring lakes, harbors, and reservoirs reflected the sky with unnerving precision. Her philosophy is unwavering: “If the surface is perfect, they will never look beneath it.”

CALL TO COHORTS

Additional personnel requested for Stillwater Crown observation teams:

• Hydrology analysts comfortable with unnatural calm.

• Surveyors who can stare at their own reflection without reacting.

• Maintenance staff skilled in adjusting what appears already correct.

Report to the shoreline facility at dawn. Do not skip stones.

Look for Map point exoplanet PSR J2322-2650b.

TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

Success: Glass March Closeout (Final Accounting)

Post-operation audits confirm that reflective anomalies have been fully normalized into accepted urban quirks. Citizens now slow their pace near affected zones, unsure why. Insurance adjusters remain baffled. The operation has been officially reclassified from “incident” to “aesthetic legacy,” which concludes our involvement entirely.

Failure: Stillwater Crown Shoreline Test A

An early deployment of surface-calm modulators produced water so placid that several birds refused to land, citing “bad vibes.” While no structural damage occurred, the mirror-like surface caused bystanders to confront their own expressions for extended periods. Parameters adjusted to reintroduce mild distortion.

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TRAINING & DEVELOPMENT PLAN

Week of January 5–9, 2026

• Regent Calyx — Sustained Pressure Without Visible Force

• Brinewolf Carrow — Moisture Control for Inland Operations

• Lady Tarquin — Managing Crowds During Unremarkable Moments

• Lord Columnar — Forecasting Costs Beyond the Fiscal Year

• General Mirthless — Authority When Nothing Appears to Be Happening

Attendance expected. Movement discouraged.

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CAFETERIA SPECIALS (Jan 5–9)

• Monday: Soft barley stew with root vegetables and clear broth.

• Tuesday: Poached river protein with herb oil and pale greens.

• Wednesday: Lentil mash with citrus peel and warm spices.

• Thursday: Steamed fowl parcels with grain stuffing.

• Friday: Milk custard with bay-infused syrup.

Meals designed to settle rather than celebrate.

LAB UPDATES

Lab 4: Etiquette Jammer recalibrated for New Year meetings; participants now agree enthusiastically before reading agendas.

Lab 6: Sentient Clipboard reactivated briefly for inventory; it requested a promotion. Request denied.

Lab 8: Metronome Gauntlet tested near calm water; rhythmic ripples observed. Results filed as “poetic but useful.”

Lab 10: Concertina Cannon adapted for resonance mapping across liquid surfaces. Water responded attentively.

Lab 12: Compliment Grenade Mk. XIII induced collective confidence in test group. Dissolved naturally after lunch.

Lab 18: Elastic Reality Net deployed along shoreline; captured reflections rather than objects. Investigation ongoing.

Lab 44: Acoustical Curtain used to suppress wave noise entirely. Silence described as “expectant.”

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Still water doesn’t reflect the sky. It interrogates it.”

— Admiral Pelagra

UPCOMING SCHEMES

Operation Stillwater Crown (Jan 2–7): Live calibration across selected bodies of water.

Codename Quiet Array (Jan 9): Distributed compliance nodes move to initial activation.

Operation Pale Meridian (Jan 16): Long-range influence alignment begins.

Project Dustmantle (Continuing): Archive infiltration now considered procedural.

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WRY WIT OF THE WEEK

“Nothing unsettles like a calm that doesn’t blink.”

CLOSING REMARKS FROM DR. MALEVOLENCE

A new year invites bold gestures. We prefer quiet ones. Let the world rush forward; we will hold it in place long enough to decide what comes next.

Proceed steadily.

— Dr. Malevolence

Editor-in-Chief, Engineer of Awkward Timings, Keeper of the Brass Keys

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This newsletter was generated from alternate timelines using the PROPRIETARY PREDICTIVE ALGORITHM™